...two

Two knocks and my legs begin to tremble. I look up and slide across the floor and towards you in anticipation. Only two inches of a door between us and I am melting, longing for you. Two seconds and you will be in here, with me, all over me and all around me. Undressing me with your eyes and heating me up with your breath. Keeping the promises you made and making me want so many more. I even know the two words that will come out of my mouth, making me feel everything not twice, but two million times. The mere thought of you crossing that door makes my heart skip a beat, my skin shiver and my shields fall apart, bit by bit.

 

Two breaths become a second, and time turns into a never passing entity that lasts an eternity. I know you’re there, you know I’m here. I hear you sigh and place your forehead on the hard wood, defeated at once. You know I won’t open, and I know two knocks were more than I could expect. As much as I want your eyes exploring me and your hands collecting evidence, the next two hours would never be two thoughts worth, but rather every thought wasted.

 

Two minds race away, but we stay in silence. I slide down the wall and hear you do the same. I place my hand on the wood and know you are doing the same. My two sides curse and thank that door for existing, for without it our two hands would become one, and as would we. Sitting in silence we can’t help but wonder what happened, how it all shattered into not two, but a thousand pieces. For we were seeking for the same thing. For we were lost and found each other. Then what went so wrong?

 

It never went wrong, it never shattered and it never hurt. It just didn’t even take off… for it is not the two words that make and order we want, but the three words that express a feeling we need to listen for. For “Love me” is not what we wish to hear. For saying “I love you” is not what we want to do.

 

For we expected a world in pairs and never thought you and I could be split up by love.

...echarte de menos

 

Se me atragantan las palabras. Forman nudos inquebrantables y bolas intragables. Se me ha atravesado tu partida y ahora me parten los sentimientos. Siento tu ausencia y a la vez no noto absolutamente nada, todo a la vez y además ese creciente vacío en concreto. Indago en mi interior y no me encuentra más que el eco de los gritos que desean salir a la superficie y formar estruendos con los relámpagos de mi corazón en proceso de derrumbe. Pero estás atravesada en mi garganta, clavada en mi pecho y esparcida por mis pensamientos. No me puedo mover, no puedo salir, no puedo hablar : tengo una mujer atravesada en los pensamientos, y aléjense de mi porque no existe mal peor ni más doloroso.

 

Nunca una ausencia ocupó tanto espacio. Nunca una partida provocó tantas respuestas, y jamás un adiós causó tanto que decir y tan poco expresable. No sé si duele más tu desaparición de mi mundo o el hecho de que no has mirado atrás. Mi mente ya no escucha razonamientos y desea explotar en mil pedazos junto a la nada que dejaste olvidada. Echo de menos el amargo café de tus ojos y la sonrisa que encontraba en mis labios al contemplarte, o simplemente oírte respirar a menos de dos metros de distancia, fuese real o ficticia.

 

No miro atrás porque tu soledad me envuelve y me consume, y no puedo siquiera mirar hacia otra parte porque en todas partes estás. Echo de menos tu sonrisa y los rizos perfectos de tu cascada, meramente estar a tu lado y resolver el mundo a cañonazos, siempre contigo. Echo de menos hacerte reír, reírme contigo y que nos duela hasta llorar. Echo de menos las noches infinitas que acababan en menos de un suspiro, y el olor de tus abrazos. Añoro como nunca nada antes tu presencia y tus palabras, pero no más de lo que añoro lo que hacía con ellas. Te echo de menos casi tanto como te quiero, pero sobre todo, echo tanto de menos quien soy a tu lado que no puedo evitar quererte más.

 

Te quiero y te añoro más que ayer, pero siempre menos que mañana, pero ya no sé si es peor el quererte, el echarte de menos, o el ver desaparecer quien fui a tu lado.

 

...numbness

Rain. You watch it hit the pavement as your expectations shatter against the ground. Recalling the past few days you wonder how you can feel so lonely when he still lays quiet on your bed. Tall, strong and warm: always willing to love you and always trying to hold you closer, arms wrapped around you every time there is an option. Always making you his, pulling you just an inch closer to his chest.

Glancing as he lays, exhausted, you wonder why only your mind is tired… maybe tired of you.

You stare out the window and feel numb while you watch the droplets attack you through the glass. You realize it is the only thing you have felt for a long time: simple emptiness. His desire falls only a few hours back, and euphoria is just not an option anymore. Your eyes wander over to his relaxed figure and you snort: not an option to you, anyway. Finding its way to your lips, a smile makes you realize it is only there to camouflage your desire to weep: tears and rain is just too much of a cliché, even for you.
 

 

Thinking of the past nights, mornings and days you begin to feel used once again. Was this really what you wanted? You remember calling him, making him come and expecting to feel something. Anything, really. Clenching your fists until pain finds its way you decide ignoring the past becomes the better option, and biting his neck instead of your lips makes you feel something, even if it is only for a fraction of a second.
 

With this idea fixated you make your way back to that disaster of a bed, and as soon as you climb the covers he is over you, grinning, telling you the thousand lies that make any girl blush. Surrendering to his warmth and desire you willingly ignore the voice in the back of your head screaming you to back off. You don’t even feel bad… What has that voice done for you anyways? Where has it gotten you and your dreams? When was it ever good?
 

Deciding your youth is more important than your thoughts you make your way back to him, on top of him and under him. Letting him make you his yet again, hoping to feel just the shadow of an emotion. He pulls you closer than ever, tighter than ever, firmer than ever.  His blood finds your tongue and your groan becomes the literal expression of suppression. Your nails dig their way into his skin and he growls, holding you down. He keeps you still and moves you around. His desire is overwhelming, lust wrap you up and swirls you both in a hurricane of sweat, screams and pure lust.  For seconds all trace of a dark thought expires: you feel something.

The storm you created passes in a fraction of eternity, and finding yourself back in his calm arms you simply wonder: is this anything really better than nothing? Is it even feeling?

...despertar

Despierto. Remoloneo y me giro: me niego a abrir los ojos. Te das cuenta y me abrazas más fuerte, besándome de esa forma que sólo tú sabes, y diciendo en una única caricia más de lo que nadie se ha atrevido a decirme jamás… y suena sincero. Recorres mi espina dorsal con las yemas de los dedos y un escalofrío bate el récord de 100 metros lisos por mi espalda. Cómo puedes tener este efecto en mi ?
 

Mantengo los ojos cerrados. Sonrío ; rezando a dioses y destinos que este momento no acabe. Implorando que tus expediciones por mi cuerpo no cesen. No esta mañana, no nunca. Quiero olvidar en qué tiempo vivimos, y hacer de tus brazos mi mundo. Quiero que tu piel sea mi abrigo, y que tus susurros me hagan de escudo. Déjame quedarme, aunque sólo sea por hoy. Déjame olvidar quién soy, quiénes somos y por qué estamos aquí. Déjame perderme en ti unas horas más.
 

Finalmente abro los ojos, te miro, y me devoras con la mirada. No sé tu nombre, y dudo que tú sepas el mío. No me importa, y a tí menos aún. Me siento cómoda a tu lado. Mientras recorro los surcos de tu pecho me tiras más cerca de ti, obligándome a mirarte a los ojos. Cada fibra de mí se sonroja y derrite en una sonrisa, me pierdo en el calor que desprendes, haciéndome pequeña y sintiéndome frágil pero protegida a tu lado. Aún sigo sin entender por qué estoy aquí, contigo, pero me da igual. Estoy aquí, contigo. 

 

...y me abrazas. Es lo único que me importa. Es lo único que debería importar... Pero esto es únicamente la calma antes de la tormenta, y minuto a minuto, segundo a segundo, paso a paso y caricia a caricia recuerdo qué hacemos aquí, cómo hemos llegado y quién eres. Intento ignorarlo pero no puedo. Te beso más fuerte y te abrazo hasta que duele. Me pierdes.

 

Instante a instante, hora a hora, beso a beso y susurro a susurro recuerdo qué he hecho aquí, cómo he llegado y peor aún: recuerdo quién soy.

...sweet

I can't sleep... yet again. I turn around and think of you. Think of how I feel when you're close, of how I miss you the second you turn around, and of how you can make me smile even when everything else fails.

People say I'm crazy, but if this is what wrong tastes like, I'll have another round, an please make it double. My knees no longer respond when you enter the picture, and the picture of you holding me haunts my every dream. I wake up, always lost, and I lung for you and that kiss you never presented. I wrap myself in the memory of your arms and count down to the next time I get to feel you close.

What have you done to me? I used to be strong. I used to control myself, to be able to not want you every second, to not want you to save me from myself. Around you I feel lighter, stronger, even protected... and yet you still are everything I ever ran away from. Just what have you done to me, sweet eyes?

I wish you would tell me everything your eyes scream to me. I wish you could fulfill every promise your hands ever made, but overall I wish I didn't need to ask... because what is there left for me to say when you already know everything?

I want you here. I want to drink you up and I want you to hug me tight. I want your breath two inches away and our pulse in the skies. I want you to untangle my hair and our minds. I want you to never let go, but still let me breathe (you) in. I want your fingertips painting my curves and my nails digging in your back. I want us to leave, to fly, to explode and maybe love each other...

...but, overall, I want you to hold me close and whisper there is nothing left to say. 

...just leave

I dream again. I dream that I fall, and your arms are not there to protect me. I scream, even explode: I ask where you went, and nothing but empty promises respond. You are not here. You lied. I stare at my palms and cannot believe it. I do not want to. Why would you lie?

Then I look around will not believe… am I dreaming? Is this only a nightmare? Is this what being abandoned feels like? I walk around and observe my dreams. I attempt sketching my thoughts and nothing but shadows return. I miss you, and the times you held my hair. The times you played with my fingertips and the times you made me yours… then I wonder: where are you now? It hasn’t been hard for you to find a brighter place, but why now?

I sit down, curl under my clouds and notice my awful truth: you were never here, never there. You were never truly by my side, and I cannot miss something I never had. I was promised the night of my life, and got nothing more. You wrapped me in empty words and promises of a better tomorrow, knowing tomorrow would never come. Not to me, never to us, but hoping I’d believe you. And oh I did!

I stare at the emptiness my dreams suddenly become. Now what? I cry my eyes out and scream until my lungs hurt: no one cares, no one is here, no one will notice. No one should.

I pick up the bits and pieces I’ve become, ashamed of myself but understanding: this is the only way. I superglue every last tear, every drop of blood spilled in your massacre and put on a smile. No, you will never do this to me again. Not you, not anyone. My subconscious then kicks in and laughs at me, reminding me of all the times the past has made me say this. I ignore every word and the mirror gives me back a broken reflection.

I turn around, I start walking and I grow with every step, leaving your memory behind, starting to believe happiness is a possibility, and that it is only at the end of my path. Then I feel a pulling, a tugging that brings backwards with fury.

I fall, yet again, and suddenly feel heavy, corporeal and hurting. I move and feel the humidity. I frown and feel movement. I turn around and feel someone else’s breath. I open my eyes, and I see you.

I see you, and I realize tomorrow is here.

...tú

Escribe. No preguntes el qué, no preguntes cómo. Sólo plásmate en los cuatro folios que tienes delante. Deja tu esencia, déjate las venas. Deja tus ideas, el aliento y la piel. Escribe, pero ante todo no pienses. Nunca pienses.

No pienses en mí, no pienses en el tiempo que llevamos separados… mucho menos pienses en el tiempo que llevo siguiéndote. No recuerdes, no duelas. No eches de menos mis caricias ni mis palabras: no te lastimes. Olvida que existo, olvida que existimos alguna vez. Sobre todo olvida que existimos ahora. Acepta que formo parte de ti. No hagas preguntas.

Mira hacia otra parte y vacía tus pensamientos. No te esfuerces en entenderme: lo has hecho antes y fallaste. Fallaste como fallas todo lo demás. No intentes destruirme, ya sabes que no puedes. No llores, no sientas. Húndete en nuestro mundo, remonta los muros y escóndete de nuestras pesadillas. Olvídalas. Olvídame… olvídate a ti misma. Siempre se te dio quizás demasiado bien.

Huye, corre todo lo que puedas y no dejes nada atrás: no hagas la maleta, no añores el tiempo, no busques tu pasado. Sigue, sigue siempre adelante, pero regresa siempre a nuestro cielo. Sabes dónde está, aún sabes llegar… no engañas a nadie pretendiendo ser en lo que te has convertido.

No busques aliados y acomódate en tu cueva. No duele. Ya no… pero eso lo sabes. Conoces cada recoveco, cada esquina, cada rincón oscuro. Conoces cada vacío de tu alma y ambos sabemos que sin mí no sobrevivirías ahí dentro. Déjame abrazarte de nuevo esta vez. Déjame rodearte con mi frío y conseguiremos volver a casa, quizás por última vez.