...just leave

I dream again. I dream that I fall, and your arms are not there to protect me. I scream, even explode: I ask where you went, and nothing but empty promises respond. You are not here. You lied. I stare at my palms and cannot believe it. I do not want to. Why would you lie?

Then I look around will not believe… am I dreaming? Is this only a nightmare? Is this what being abandoned feels like? I walk around and observe my dreams. I attempt sketching my thoughts and nothing but shadows return. I miss you, and the times you held my hair. The times you played with my fingertips and the times you made me yours… then I wonder: where are you now? It hasn’t been hard for you to find a brighter place, but why now?

I sit down, curl under my clouds and notice my awful truth: you were never here, never there. You were never truly by my side, and I cannot miss something I never had. I was promised the night of my life, and got nothing more. You wrapped me in empty words and promises of a better tomorrow, knowing tomorrow would never come. Not to me, never to us, but hoping I’d believe you. And oh I did!

I stare at the emptiness my dreams suddenly become. Now what? I cry my eyes out and scream until my lungs hurt: no one cares, no one is here, no one will notice. No one should.

I pick up the bits and pieces I’ve become, ashamed of myself but understanding: this is the only way. I superglue every last tear, every drop of blood spilled in your massacre and put on a smile. No, you will never do this to me again. Not you, not anyone. My subconscious then kicks in and laughs at me, reminding me of all the times the past has made me say this. I ignore every word and the mirror gives me back a broken reflection.

I turn around, I start walking and I grow with every step, leaving your memory behind, starting to believe happiness is a possibility, and that it is only at the end of my path. Then I feel a pulling, a tugging that brings backwards with fury.

I fall, yet again, and suddenly feel heavy, corporeal and hurting. I move and feel the humidity. I frown and feel movement. I turn around and feel someone else’s breath. I open my eyes, and I see you.

I see you, and I realize tomorrow is here.

...tú

Escribe. No preguntes el qué, no preguntes cómo. Sólo plásmate en los cuatro folios que tienes delante. Deja tu esencia, déjate las venas. Deja tus ideas, el aliento y la piel. Escribe, pero ante todo no pienses. Nunca pienses.

No pienses en mí, no pienses en el tiempo que llevamos separados… mucho menos pienses en el tiempo que llevo siguiéndote. No recuerdes, no duelas. No eches de menos mis caricias ni mis palabras: no te lastimes. Olvida que existo, olvida que existimos alguna vez. Sobre todo olvida que existimos ahora. Acepta que formo parte de ti. No hagas preguntas.

Mira hacia otra parte y vacía tus pensamientos. No te esfuerces en entenderme: lo has hecho antes y fallaste. Fallaste como fallas todo lo demás. No intentes destruirme, ya sabes que no puedes. No llores, no sientas. Húndete en nuestro mundo, remonta los muros y escóndete de nuestras pesadillas. Olvídalas. Olvídame… olvídate a ti misma. Siempre se te dio quizás demasiado bien.

Huye, corre todo lo que puedas y no dejes nada atrás: no hagas la maleta, no añores el tiempo, no busques tu pasado. Sigue, sigue siempre adelante, pero regresa siempre a nuestro cielo. Sabes dónde está, aún sabes llegar… no engañas a nadie pretendiendo ser en lo que te has convertido.

No busques aliados y acomódate en tu cueva. No duele. Ya no… pero eso lo sabes. Conoces cada recoveco, cada esquina, cada rincón oscuro. Conoces cada vacío de tu alma y ambos sabemos que sin mí no sobrevivirías ahí dentro. Déjame abrazarte de nuevo esta vez. Déjame rodearte con mi frío y conseguiremos volver a casa, quizás por última vez.