...you

Snow is falling outside. It’s freezing out there, but yet I sit here feeling warm and at the same time awfully cold. Cold and dead. But what to do about it? You’re not here. You never were, and yet I still hope for the day you will come back, truly, and heat my soul as no one ever could. As I never could. As I never will be able to. Loneliness has never been my strong point. I pretend to like it and I smile when anyone mentions it. But I hate it. I hate needing you, and I hate having to admit it, but never more than I hate feeling you are never going to come. Is this it? Then what have I done wrong? I need you now, so why don’t you answer the phone? Why can’t you already be here? Why did you not follow? Why did you not stop me? Why did you let me go?

You once told me free birds need to fly… but I chose north and right now I can’t do it without help. Not without you. Not anymore. Not now. Not here. It’s too cold outside for summer birds to fly. The moment you left without looking back you cut my wings, and when you stopped calling you buried them so deep I sometimes think not even the spring breeze nor the warmth of your touch will make me take off again.

But who am I kidding? We all know you will come back. You always do and you always will… I just need you to hold me tight and tell me everything is going to be alright, that solitude is not my destiny and that we will end up together. Because I’m your someday-girl and I love it. Because I’m your someday-girl and I hate that. But why does it hurt so bad? I never imagined you this cruel. Not you. We went through so much and yet so little. I know every secret; every door to your inner self and all the little things that make you crack. And yet you never really knew me. We smile at each other and ignore the life outside our circle while we pretend not to fall in love. We always have and I fear we always will. Why that is we will never know, but one thing I do know, and it hurts so bad: someday never arrives.